Information Technology Humor:
Posted
11/08/2005
by Shelby Meyer
A how was I born?
DADDY! HOW WAS I BORN?"
Junior asks his dad,
His dad, who is a software
engineer sighs and replies:
"Ah, my son, I guess one
day you would have to find
out anyway!"
"Well, your Mom and I first
got together in a chat room
on YAHOO.
Then I set up a date via
e-mail with your mom and we
met at a cyber-cafe. We
sneaked into a secluded
room, where your mother
agreed to a download from
my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to
upload, we discovered that
neither one of us had used a
firewall, but it was too
late to hit the delete
button."
"Six weeks later your mom
sent me an instant
message saying that her
operating system was showing
signs of unauthorized
program activity from a self
extracting file which had
implanted itself in her
BIOS.
Then nine months later a
little Pop-Up appeared and
said:
'You've Got Male'!"
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Posted 09/27/2005
by Shelby Meyer
Announcement from MicrosoftIn a surprise announcement
today, Microsoft President
Steve Ballmer revealed that
the Redmond-based company
will allow computer
resellers and end-users to
customize the appearance of
the Blue Screen of Death (BSOD),
the screen that displays
when the Windows operating
system crashes. The move
comes as the result of
numerous focus groups and
customer surveys done by
Microsoft. Thousands of
Microsoft customers were
asked, "What do you spend
the most time doing on your
computer?" A surprising
number of respondents said,
"Staring at a Blue Screen of
Death." At 54 percent, it
was the top answer, beating
the second place answer
"Downloading XXX Scans" by an
easy 12 points. "We
immediately recognized this
as a great opportunity for
ourselves, our channel
partners, and especially our
customers," explained the
excited Ballmer to a room
full of reporters. Immense
video displays were used to
show images of the new
customizable BSOD screen
side-by-side with the older
static version. Users can
select from a collection of
"BSOD Themes," allowing them
to instead have a Mauve
Screen of Death or even a
Paisley Screen of Death.
Graphics and multimedia
content can now be
incorporated into the
screen, making the BSOD the
perfect conduit for
delivering product
information and
entertainment to Windows
users. The BSOD is by far
the most recognized feature
of the Windows operating
system, and as a result,
Microsoft has historically
insisted on total control
over its look and feel. This
recent departure from that
policy reflects Microsoft's
recognition of the Windows
desktop itself as the
"ultimate information
portal." By default, the new
BSOD will be configured to
show a random selection of
Microsoft product
information whenever the
system crashes. Microsoft
channel partners can
negotiate with Microsoft for
the right to customize the
BSOD on systems they ship.
Major computer resellers
such as Compaq, Gateway, and
Dell are already lining up
for premier placement on the
new and improved BSOD.
Ballmer concluded by getting
a dig in against the Open
Source community. "This just
goes to show that Microsoft
continues to innovate at a
much faster pace than open
source. I have yet to see
any evidence that Linux even
has a BSOD, let alone a
customizable one." |
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Posted 09/27/2005
by Shelby Meyer
Things you don't want to
hear from tech support
-
"Do you have a
sledgehammer or a brick
handy?"
-
"That's right, not even
McGyver could fix it."
-
"So -- what are you
wearing?"
-
"Duuuuuude!
Bummer!"
-
"Looks like you're gonna
need some new dilithium
crystals, Cap'n."
-
"Press 1 for Support.
Press 2 if you're with
60 Minutes. Press 3 if
you're with the FTC."
-
"We can fix this, but
you're gonna need a
butter knife, a roll of
duct tape, and a car
battery."
-
"In layman's terms, we
call that the Hindenburg
Effect."
-
"Hold on a second...
Mom! Timmy's hitting
me!"
-
"Okay, turn to page 523
in your copy of
Dianetics."
-
"Your call will be
answered in 30
minutes...."
-
"Please hold for Mr.
Gates' attorney."
-
"It looks like a PEBKAC
error." (Problem
Exists Between Keyboard
And Chair)
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Posted 09/27/2005
by Shelby Meyer
If
Microsoft Built Cars
-
A
particular model year of
car wouldn't be
available until after
that year instead of
before it.
-
Every time they
repainted the lines on
the road, you'd have to
buy a new car.
-
Occasionally your car
would just die for no
reason, and you'd have
to restart it. For some
strange reason, you'd
just accept this.
-
You could only have one
person in the car at a
time, unless you bought
a Car 95 or a Car NT.
But then you'd have to
buy more seats.
-
Sun Motorsystems would
make a car that was
powered by the sun,
twice as reliable, and
five times as fast - but
it would only run on 5
percent of the roads.
-
The oil, engine, gas,
and alternator warning
lights would be replaced
with a single "General
Car Fault" warning
light.
-
People would get excited
about the "new" features
in Microsoft cars,
forgetting completely
that they had been
available in other cars
for years.
-
We'd all have to switch
to Microsoft gas.
-
The U.S. government
would be GETTING
subsidies from an
automaker, instead of
giving them.
-
New seats would force
everyone to have the
same-size butt.
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Posted 09/27/2005
by Shelby Meyer
Customer Detailed Price List
Troubleshooting
-
Calling me with a
question $10.00
-
Calling me with a stupid
question $20.00
-
Calling me with a stupid
question that you can't
quite articulate $30.00
-
Implying that I am
incompetent because I
can't interpret your
inarticulate problem
description
$1000+punitive damages
-
Calling me with a
question about software
I didn't write $50.00
-
Questions received via
phone without first
trying the software
vendor's help desk
$10.00
-
Questions where the
answer is in the manual
or help file $25.00
-
Telling you how to
access the Help file
$50.00
-
Having to walk you
through fixing a program
by actually reading the
Help file to you.
$100.00
-
Calling me back with the
same problem *after* I
fix it once $100.00
-
Insisting that you're
not doing anything
wrong, the problem is on
my end somehow $200.00
-
Asking me to walk over
to your desk to fix the
problem $5/step
-
Asking me to drive to
another town to fix your
problem $50/mile+gas
-
If you interrupt me
while I was reading news
$25/hr
-
If you interrupt me
while I was playing a
game $35/hr
-
If you interrupt me
while I was trying to
fix somebody else's
problem $45/hr
-
If you try to hang
around and get me to fix
it NOW $50/hr
-
If you expect me to tell
you how I fixed it
$60/hr
-
If you expect me to show
you how I fixed it
$100/hr
-
If you expect me to
explain what I just
showed you $300/hr
-
If you've come to ask me
why something isn't
working that I'm
currently working on
$70/hr
-
If you're asking me to
fix something I fixed
for you yesterday $75/hr
-
If you're asking me to
fix something I told you
I fixed yesterday, but
never did fix $85/hr
-
If you're asking me to
fix a quick patch that I
made that didn't work
$95/hr
-
If you're asking me to
fix something that I
previously patched
temporarily and told you
to have repaired by the
product vendor, but you
never did $150/hour
-
If you call me while
there's another person
in the room who could
have done it for you
$150/hr
-
Making me trek to your
office to fix your
problem and not being
there when I arrive
$1500.00
-
Calling up with a
problem which
"everybody" in the
office is having and
which is "stopping all
work." Not being there
when I rush over to look
at it and nobody else in
the office knows
anything about it.
$2000.00
-
Explaining a problem for
1/2 hour over the phone
BEFORE mentioning it's
your personal machine at
home $500.00
-
Self-diagnosing your
problem and informing me
what to do $300.00
-
Asking me why something
will cost so much or
take so long because "It
can't be that
difficult." $25 and you
can fix it yourself.
-
If you attempt to fix
something yourself, and
cause a bigger problem
$150/hr to fix the
original problem +
$300/hr to fix each new
problem you created
-
Having me bail you out
when you perform your
own repairs I told you
not to do $300.00/hr
-
Not telling all of your
co-workers about it
$850.00
-
Explaining that you
can't log in to some
server because you don't
have an account there
$10.00
-
Explaining that you
don't have an account on
the machine you used to
have an account on
because you used it to
try to break into the
above server $500.00
-
Forgetting a password I
told you to remember
$25.00
-
Forgetting your password
after I wrote it down
for you $50.00
-
Asking me for a password
I didn't create for you,
on a system I don't have
any control over $50.00
-
If I actually figure out
your password on a
system I don't have any
control over because you
use the same password
for everything. $150.00
-
Each time you make a
call that begins "I was
trying to do something
on my computer when ..."
$150 to fix the problem
+ $150 /hr to clean up
after you.
-
Installing programs
without informing me
/getting permission
first $100 per program
-
If I don't approve of
the installed programs
$250/each
-
If I have to remove the
installed programs and
repair any damage caused
by their installation
$150/hr
-
Technical support for
the above programs $150
per hour (regardless of
whether I know the
program or not)
-
Leaving files on the
desktop $5 per file +
$10 per day that the
file is left unclaimed
-
Bringing in your own
copy of the original
Norton Utilities v1.0 to
fix a brand new machine
$200.00
-
Setting a cup of coffee
on the CPU tower $50.00
-
Placing anything next to
the CPU's cooling vents
that obstructs the flow
of air $75.00
-
If you've gotten an
error message on your
screen that tells you
what the problem is and
how to fix it, but you
call me anyway $150.00
-
If you don't tell me
about the error message
$200.00
-
If I ask you what you
were doing when the
problem first started
and you say "nothing".
$50.00
-
Each additional time I
have to ask $75.00
-
Having to point out any
instructions that are
posted on the wall in a
typeface larger than 18
points $15.00
-
If I wrote the sign
$45.00
-
If it's in a 144 point
font and taped to the
side of the monitor
facing the door $75.00
-
Reporting a problem
caused by the use of old
software that you refuse
to upgrade $25.00
-
Reporting it more than
once $50.00
-
Reporting it more than
once and implying
slothfulness on tech
support's inability to
solve the problem
$200.00
-
Asking me where your
file is because you
didn't pay attention to
where you were saving
it. $20.00
-
If you claim to have a
problem that I can't
reproduce following the
steps you said caused
the problem $50.00
-
If I have to reinstall
the Operating System
because you deleted
system files while
trying to "free up
space" on your hard
drive $150/hr
-
If I have to remove a
virus you downloaded
$100.00
-
If you send me a virus
by email $300.00
-
If it executes before I
catch it $500 + $150/hr
to fix my own computer
-
If you send me an email
asking for my opinion on
a product or software I
haven't used $25.00
-
If you send me an email
asking my opinion on a
product or software I
have already recommended
$50.00
-
If you send me chain
letters, SPAM, jokes, or
other email that you've
mass mailed to everyone
in your address book
$100.00
-
If you put my name in
the TO or CC fields so
that everyone else on
the list can see it
$500.00
-
If anyone else on the
list ever sends me chain
letters or SPAM in the
future $1000 per email
-
Working on a computer in
which you have installed
pirated software $500.00
per pirated program in
order for me to keep
quiet
"Hardware Problem" Prices
-
Figuring out you mean
floppy drive when you
say hard drive BEFORE I
order you a replacement
hard drive $50.00
-
Figuring it out AFTER I
order your replacement
hard drive $50.00 + cost
of hard drive
-
Telling me that you
don't have a hard drive,
you just save things "to
the computer". $50.00
-
Spending 15 minutes to
find out the size of
your hard drive
(includes walking you
through the process)
$100.00
-
Explaining the
difference between
storage space and
memory. Free the first
five times. $150 each
time thereafter.
-
Fixing your "broken"
mouse by putting a mouse
pad under it $25.00
-
Fixing your "broken"
optical mouse by
rotating the mouse pad
90 degrees $35.00
-
Fixing your "broken"
optical mouse by taking
off the post-it note
someone has put on the
bottom. $50.00
-
Fixing a "broken" mouse
by cleaning the rollers
$50.00
-
Fixing your "broken"
printer with an
ink/toner cartridge
$35.00 + cost of
ink/toner cartridge
-
Fixing your wireless
ANYTHING by replacing
the batteries $150 +
cost of batteries
-
Fixing your "broken"
ANYTHING by plugging a
cable back in $200.00
-
Fixing your "broken"
ANYTHING by pressing the
power button $250.00
-
Spilling coke on
keyboard $25 plus cost
of keyboard
-
Spilling coke on monitor
$50 plus cost of monitor
-
Spilling coke on CPU
$200 plus cost of
motherboard swap plus
hourly rate of $150 per
hour spent reinstalling
the system
-
Chewing on the end of
the graphic tablet
stylus $25 + cost of
stylus
-
Surgically removing a
floppy from the ZIP
drive $25 + plus cost to
replace damaged ZIP
drive
Beeper Prices
-
Beeping me after hours,
on weekends, or holidays
$25.00
-
Beeping me when I'm on a
date $50.00
-
Beeping me when I'm out
of town and I took pains
to insure that help
files were left all over
and that diagnostics had
been run on all machines
before I left $100.00
-
Beeping me more than
once to tell me that the
printer's offline and
the fix is to press the
On Line button $200.00
-
Beeping me more than
once while I'm asleep
$50 per beep
-
Beeping me and not
identifying yourself
within the first 5
seconds $25.00
Special Rates
-
Dealing with user not
familiar with my primary
language $50.00/hr
-
Dealing with someone who
is (self-proclaimed)
smarter than me, but
still calls every other
day for help $100.00/hr
-
Dealing with someone who
insists they could fix
it themselves, but they
just don't have the
time. $150.00/hr
-
Dealing with someone who
calls me to fix a
problem because their
"real" system
administrator has gone
on vacation $250.00/hr
-
Questioning anything I
do $10.00
-
Suggesting a better way
to do something $25.00
-
Questioning the other
prices $50.00
Web Development Rates
-
Coming up with a design
concept $50.00/hr
-
Waiting more than 48
hours for an approval on
anything I submit, or
for information I
requested from you.
$150.00/day (I have
other clients, you know)
-
Having to write your
copy because you
can't/won't provide it
for me $65.00/hr
researching your
industry + $35.00/hr
writing the copy
-
Having to retype your
copy because you faxed
it or sent it in a way
in which I can't cut and
paste it, such as a scan
or other non-selectable
text format $35.00/hr
-
Having to proof-read or
edit copy you submitted
to me $35.00/hr
-
If you do not ask me to
proof-read your copy and
I publish it on the site
exactly as it was given
to me, and you then find
mistakes you want
corrected.
$30.00/minimum +
$5.00/mistake
-
Flash animation
$65.00/hr
-
Flash Scripting
$85.00/hr
-
Having to explain the
difference between
animation and scripting
$150.00
-
Asking me to edit a
Flash movie that someone
else made which you do
not have the FLA file to
$300.00 + the cost of a
new movie
-
XHTML, XML, CSS,
JavaScripting $65.00/hr
-
Application programming
(php, asp, coldfusion,
jsp) $85.00/hr
-
Database Administration
$85.00/hr
-
Having to explain to you
that web servers don't
have the innate ability
to process credit cards
and that you'll need a
merchant account.
$150.00
-
Having to upload your
site through a third
party control panel
because your $4.99/month
host doesn't give you
FTP access. $5.00/file
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Posted 09/27/2005
by Shelby Meyer
Miscellaneous
-
There
are 10
types of
techs:
those
who
understand
binary,
and
those
who
don't.
-
C:\DOS
C:\DOS\RUN
RUN\DOS\RUN
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